It’s hard to know where to start, I just know I need to start somewhere. This was not the “allthingsnew32” that I was asking for...
Less than two weeks ago, I lost one of my best friends, my little brother, Seth. Even as I write this, it doesn’t seem completely real. It’s going to take awhile for it to settle. I keep imagining you walking into the room with a bright smile on your face saying “hey guys!”... I hope I never forget the sound of your voice.
As I grieve the passing of my little brother, I can’t help but ask “the what ifs” and contemplate the “if onlies”, I know this won’t bring you back, so I try not to sit with those thoughts for too long. Instead I try to imagine you, with God, in eternity, and always by my side. I have been thinking of you every minute of every day since you’ve left this earth. I think of the memories we’ve shared, your laughter, your creativity, your struggles, your life, your death, but mostly, I think about your heart. I am grateful that you left us with your heart. I find myself in every situation asking myself, “what would Seth do? What would Seth’s heart say? What would Seth see?” I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t feel guilty for not replacing your name with Jesus, but I believe the answer would be the same, because I believe your heart was the closest to a living example of Jesus; and for that I can’t thank you enough.
Many times these past two weeks I’ve wondered if I should be angry at God for taking my Sethie to Heaven, but the anger is not there, however, I can’t say it will never come; it’s too soon to tell. For now, I find peace and comfort in my Savior. I sometimes ask “why Seth? Why not some other guy without such a good heart, someone who doesn’t care about others the way Seth did, why couldn’t Seth be here longer to share the love of Jesus?” I doubt these questions will ever be answered, but I know I’ll continue to try to reason. Perhaps Seth was made for something greater, perhaps his spirit is interceding for us all here on earth, perhaps he is up there fighting the spiritual war, because we know in the end Seth did not stop fighting the battle here on earth.
I know Seth is now at peace, I know he is resting in the arms of Jesus, but it’s not easy to go on without him. While I may be one of eight, and incredibly grateful for each and every sibling and best friend, I think it’s safe to say that all of us feel as though a part of us is missing, there’s a piece of us in heaven, and we won’t ever feel quite the same. One thing is for certain, I cannot wait til my beautiful brother welcomes me into eternity with him. Since Seth’s passing, my fear of death has become much smaller, not in a way that I want to die, or I’m going to do senseless things, but I find peace in knowing that one day my time will come too, one day we all will be reunited in heaven. Until then I will promise to keep Seth close to my heart, and to look for him in the details here on earth.
Seth, it’s inspiring to think about how special you were. Although your life on earth was far too short, you made an impression on our hearts that will last a lifetime. Seth, you did not judge others, instead you welcomed each and every person with open arms. You shared your heart with so many; with family, with friends, and even with strangers. I remember being in a coffee shop in Brooklyn and you felt God telling you to go and talk with a girl, and you did; you talked with her and you prayed for her, you planted a seed of life. Seth, you always encouraged me to pursue my dreams, to listen to God, and even if it didn’t make sense to everyone else, you would tell me to “do it!” You always made me feel beautiful. You would always made me feel good about being me; thank you so much for that. You were constantly inspiring me with your adventurous spirit. You always pushed yourself even when it wasn’t easy, you pressed into God and you constantly lived out of your comfort zone. You loved people that might have been seen as “unlovable,” because the truth is, there is not a single human on this earth that is truly unlovable, everyone needs love, and I’m eternally sorry for not constantly putting forth my greatest effort to show my love for you. I know that you know now, and you feel now, just how much I loved you, how much I still love you. I pray that God will help me to have that unconditional love for every human I ever meet, I pray that His love will shine through me, the way it did through you. Seth, in your death, it has become even more real just how many people you’ve touched, and just how big your heart was, and how much you truly desired to emanate love, the unconditional love of Jesus, to everyone. In a world that seems to be in constant turmoil, I pray we find it in our hearts to love others the way that you did. You’ve helped so many others to find hope, and I pray that even in your death, we will continue to have hope. I know that now, you are more alive than ever. Each and every day as I go on walks, I see you in everything, and I take the time to appreciate the beauty around me, to be able to see the love of God in everything around me. Seth, I know there is so much more to say, and there’s so many memories to share, but for now, I will pause, and say thank you. Thank you for being you, thank you for sharing your heart, and thank you for continuing to remain with me in spirit, in my heart, each and everyday. My heart aches without you here, but I will do my best to live the life you’d want for me, and I will continue to look for you in my surroundings, and to walk with you each day, until we meet again. Seth Josiah Gaynor, as tears flow from my eyes, I love you with all of my heart. Always, and forever.
Love, your favorite big sister, Jenelle.
I look forward to sharing more and carrying on the legacy of my little brother.